Today I found out that our girls didn't have toilet paper in their bathroom...it turned into a minor fight about "survival" techniques in a family. We do not let people go without TP and we don't "deny" it ever as a form of punishment, but my fear is that some of our children purposely deny themselves things just to show "they can survive". It is sad for me. Sometimes then I wonder if they might say "my mom is so mean she doesn't give us toilet paper". We had a nice talk about if you're out, just say we're out, and that we don't always know because we don't use that bathroom and good parents provide these things, and we don't have to "survive" or show others we can, but for some reason their survival techniques made me mad and sad, instead of compassionate..............
Which leads me to the book we've started reading...THE CONNECTED CHILD by Purvis, Cross and Sunshine. I capitalized it because it has had an amazing affect on me already in just the first chapter. Really, amazing. It contrasts take your child to doctors and get them "figured" out, with understand them, shelter them, and help them feel safe. When our children, bio or not don't feel safe because we're yelling at them and quote "threatening" them with our behavior "WHY did you"...."Stop it, Stop it, STOP IT"...etc. then they will resort back to "clinically disordered behavior that needs medicating". Yes, we need answers and this book has some of those for the really tough cases too....about brain chemistry as well has security, love, and behavior helps as well. It has really touched my heart....."Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, and hate leads to suffering"...Yoda...
pg..8 "Once you see yourself in this role of mentor, encourager, and protector, days become filled with opportunities to show your child how to correct his mistakes (just did that with one child seconds ago who called their brother a liar!), to practice doing the right thing (she went down and apologized kindly), to communicate needs with words instead of behavior (ask for TP! don't clean when angry), and to get positive feedback for his efforts (Thank-you for telling me the truth! Good job). When your child feels TRULY safe, doors SWING open to positive change.................I know that's what we all want, so we need to cultivate safety.
Aside: I had a long talk with a woman today who's friend is still struggling after 9 years of adoption with their 15 year old boy, who lies chronically...and I wondered if they had seen this book when he was 6 would it be different. They have been in and out of therapy, medicines, etc..but if it's always "their problem" maybe we have not changed..the books talks about being on the same team...I like that because I preach it to the kids all the time...be on the family's team..not just this sibling against that sibling...anyway, will need to get a copy to have when times get hard.
Open Honesty...heard from John Hay (Hays Kids)...that one time he had a discussion about one of his children with his wife and his son overheard it. He was worried that it might have hurt his feelings, but his son reacted amazingly positive. I have found that once in a while at the dinner table in front of others, I have made some honest but calm comments about behavior that is inappropriate. I am trying to not hold it in, but explain the offense and ask for changed hearts out loud, no secrets.
Hope you have enough TP, can get a hold of a copy of the Connected child, and can say it honestly and calmly! Love Alesia & Chris
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