Water Bottles........

We have been handing out water bottles for our church and we about what a blessing it is to give and how healing it is. There are so many ways for children to give if we look for them, and although we do not want them to get all their worth from their actions instead of our Lord, it can still be such a healing experience when their past may have been filled with taking things instead of giving things to others. Giving out water bottles gave us constant smile today.

We were able to TAKE some water bottles today from our friends helping with a host period from Ukraine. It was the shortest 10-15 minutes ever, but we were able to see our friend Tatiana from the kids' orphanage in Kiev, and leave the airport knowing that all of their friends had homes to come home to in Minnesota. So it was a very smile filled happy 15 minutes for us, and we took their water bottles as they were entering security.

We wish we could say hello to all of the workers back in Ukraine, and will treasure their friendship and memories for a long time.

Chris brought the winning run in for his 3M softball game today while the boys watched on (with more smiles) for a score of 15 - 14! Jaclyn played violin at a farmer's market, and enjoyed that as well. We had another full day today. Tomorrow is cleaning, our last day of chamber violin, and football practice.

Our goal is to keep order, put forth our best effort on our activities and spend some time together at the end of the day..............8 days until school!!

Love Alesia & Chris

The list goes on...of blessings..

All church baptism and picnic, Jonathan scored twice, I survived 10 hockey games since Thursday driving back and forth between Jaclyn and Jonathan's games. Chris survived a busy weekend with most of the kids, and we were able to meet at church even. A nice walk with our dog, brothers talking to each other about football as they drift off to sleep, a beautiful night for a baptism at a lake. Cool nights for sleeping, and more.

We don't have any complaints here, and are glad that hockey is slowing down for a few days. We are gearing up for Labor Day weekend with my folks, back to school bar-b-que on Labor Day, cleaning out the garage, and starting school in 8 days!! After that we'll be chopping down trees and brush and enjoying the crisp fall air.

Love from Alesia & Chris

Our Bible Reading...

Today somethings happened toward the end of the day that almost caused me to melt down, but I kept the faith and moved on....a couple children ask me occasionally why I am mad at them, and I have decided that I will tell them calmly, with great length on occasion and with truthfulness while I am at it, so that they will see the reason for their actions...and I can let it out. And we can practice do overs, or the discipline planned of for that offense. Anyway, we managed.

We are reading through the Bible in 2 years and are doing this before bedtime, and God's word is so much richer with our children of all backgrounds with us. Knowing some withstood serious abuse makes the Psalms and Gospels richer, and knowing God's heart towards all of us, and His need for obedience, has made reading the Old Testament that much richer. Here are a couple excerpts...

Saul just disobeyed God and kept some sheep to "offer to the Lord" when he was supposed to have destroyed all of the enemy and their spoils..........1Sam 22: So Samuel said "Has the Lord as great delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices, as in obeying the voice of the Lord. Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice, and to heed than the fat of rams. For rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft, and stubbornness is as iniquity and idolatry. Because you have rejected the word of the Lord, He also has rejected you from being King."

Psalm 72: 14 He will redeem their life from oppression and violence, and PRECIOUS shall be their blood in His sight. Some of our children have shed blood at the expense of other's oppression and their blood is precious to HIM (and us too!).

We had Chris' sister and her family over last night and that is always a treat for our children. They play ball with the boys, hang out with the girls, visit constantly, and are a delight to have. We hope they can come often, and it was nice to have visitors.

We had one attempt at a very short start to school, and it gave me some hope (despite the constant interruptions!). Kids did math and writing, and some better than others, but it was still a great start compared to organizing, moving, cleaning, etc. I was not excited to start, but was much more hopeful afterward. We'll be trying more days like this next week, so will try to share how it goes.

Three hockey games tomorrow, 4 on Sat I think, and Sunday is TBD. Last hockey hurrah until October...yeah!

Love from Alesia & Chris

Toilet Paper, The Connected Child, Open Honesty.....

Today I found out that our girls didn't have toilet paper in their bathroom...it turned into a minor fight about "survival" techniques in a family. We do not let people go without TP and we don't "deny" it ever as a form of punishment, but my fear is that some of our children purposely deny themselves things just to show "they can survive". It is sad for me. Sometimes then I wonder if  they might say "my mom is so mean she doesn't give us toilet paper". We had a nice talk about if you're out, just say we're out, and that we don't always know because we don't use that bathroom and good parents provide these things, and we don't have to "survive" or show others we can, but for some reason their survival techniques made me mad and sad, instead of compassionate..............

Which leads me to the book we've started reading...THE CONNECTED CHILD by Purvis, Cross and Sunshine. I capitalized it because it has had an amazing affect on me already in just the first chapter. Really, amazing. It contrasts take your child to doctors and get them "figured" out, with understand them, shelter them, and help them feel safe. When our children, bio or not don't feel safe because we're yelling at them and quote "threatening" them with our behavior "WHY did you"...."Stop it, Stop it, STOP IT"...etc. then they will resort back to "clinically disordered behavior that needs medicating". Yes, we need answers and this book has some of those for the really tough cases too....about brain chemistry as well has security, love, and behavior helps as well. It has really touched my heart....."Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, and hate leads to suffering"...Yoda...

pg..8 "Once you see yourself in this role of mentor, encourager, and protector, days become filled with opportunities to show your child how to correct his mistakes (just did that with one child seconds ago who called their brother a liar!), to practice doing the right thing (she went down and apologized kindly), to communicate needs with words instead of behavior (ask for TP! don't clean when angry), and to get positive feedback for his efforts (Thank-you for telling me the truth! Good job). When your child feels TRULY safe, doors SWING open to positive change.................I know that's what we all want, so we need to cultivate safety. 

Aside: I had a long talk with a woman today who's friend is still struggling after 9 years of adoption with their 15 year old boy, who lies chronically...and I wondered if they had seen this book when he was 6 would it be different. They have been in and out of therapy, medicines, etc..but if it's always "their problem" maybe we have not changed..the books talks about being on the same team...I like that because I preach it to the kids all the time...be on the family's team..not just this sibling against that sibling...anyway, will need to get a copy to have when times get hard.

Open Honesty...heard from John Hay (Hays Kids)...that one time he had a discussion about one of his children with his wife and his son overheard it. He was worried that it might have hurt his feelings, but his son reacted amazingly positive. I have found that once in a while at the dinner table in front of others, I have made some honest but calm comments about behavior that is inappropriate. I am trying to not hold it in, but explain the offense and ask for changed hearts out loud, no secrets.

Hope you have enough TP, can get a hold of a copy of the Connected child, and can say it honestly and calmly! Love Alesia & Chris

We closed!

It was a good day! We closed on our house, met the new owners and believe they may call us a few times when they need a little more info on this or that gadget. There was fighting but they all worked it out each together. I wasn't present for it, but heard about it, and saw the recovery between 3 different siblings. It is always so good to see forgiveness.

Kids had hockey & football. Two sisters helped with the little boys football while I drove to hockey, and Chris helped coach football. Two other sisters brushed the dog, and cleaned up the kitchen from supper. We had Chris' berry smoothies together and some reading time outloud. A nice peaceful end to the day.

Even though it is bittersweet to say good-bye to our old stomping grounds, it is offset greatly by putting the money in the bank. We are grateful to God's provision, and timing with this home and the sale of our home. Now we need to organize the garage, put in a larger door for our van and hang some pictures! We're getting there.

The kids set up a hockey shooting station in our yard by themselves and started in right away. I think it will be a hit and great practice time for them. Hope your day was good, so good to have a few things behind us, despite the activity of sports now.

Love Alesia & Chris

Football,Volleyball, Hockey, Moving..what else!

I was able to meet my brothers birth mom from Korea and that was a treat. She is a believer in our Lord.

After, I saw Mom and Dad last weekend, and other than Dad moving slow except when he was in the grocery store in his go cart....all was well. It was a retreat!

Kids missed me and tackled the car when I got home. Chris had a bonfire going for us!

3 Boys are playing football in full gear...got to get those pads in the right pants, in the right direction, in the right size! Chris coaches Jonathan's team, and we walk James & Andre up to their practice.... 

Katya got signed up to try out for volleyball JUST IN TIME! 6 hours x 2!  And fall AAA hockey is in swing....tourny this weekend and the next for 2 kiddo's.

Let's just move the rest of our STUFF out of the old house and have a closing just to make it more interesting, oh, and Chris' work picnic Wed, and I think that's about it!

One of our girls is acting out a bit, but I need to sit with her and read or snuggle and we'll pull it around, I guess what can I expect with 2 busy days back to back.

Oh yeah..and one footall boy drank too many fluids and missed the toilet so I accidently stepped in it..he cleaned it up and I showered so all is fine now! Ugh, not as bad as some stories though!

Thanks for your prayers and un answered phone calls! We look forward to talking to you soon.

Love Alesia and Chris

Hobbies, habits, and holiness...

Hebrew 12:12-14 Therefore strengthen the hands which hang down, and the feeble knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be dislocated, but rather be healed. Pursue peace with all people, and holiness, without which no one will see the Lord: looking carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble and by this many become defiled; lest there be any fornicator or profane person like Esau, who for one morsel of food sold his birthright.

Wow, what a mouthful in Hebrews! It feels as though my hands hang down low with depression as I try to organize our garage of hobbies. It seems as though I am organizing everyone's hobby with no hope of finding my own little space to do a hobby. We have hobbies and containers, and tools and tool bags, and empty organizers, and stuff we've accumulated in the last 15 years that has to some how find majical spots in our garage so we can bring over more hobbies, tools and JUNK from the old house in the next 5 days. And I have even been yelled at because I need to make it fit (like a jigsaw puzzle or something)....and oh how I'd like bitterness to take root...

We have fishing, woodworking, camping, baseball, hockey, anything you would need to fix anything from electric to plumbing, gardening, and we haven't even moved the canoes, more rollerblading stuff, and who knows what else. Thank God Chris fixed up under our deck so it can store some things, and we found a good place for our wood. I would like it if we downsized on our hobbies...

Habits...some lately have found the habit of doing "good" after doing bad. Sometimes I never know what the bad is, but the eye contact goes away, and the good works start up. It's a way of "healing" their hurt, without confessing it and growing in forgiveness and trust. We talk about it a lot and I pray that they will feel safe enough to just say it outloud, and not "work it out".

Holiness...as per Hebrews 12...is hard when I just want a little space from the kids, (starting even at 6:30am in the morning and until bedtime - but today I took a nap..just so beat lately), and when I'm "told" to organize something that isn't even mine and I don't have a clue how to organize it...Holiness is hard, but "without it, no one will see the Lord"...and that's what we have to remember in all we do.

Good, but tired...

Dad is starting to pick up energy. Chris' mom is having the kids and Chris over after her surgery and sounds like she is doing good, but tired. Our youngest 5 went on a walk to a garage sale with Sophia (12) in charge! And other than about 6 phone calls, all went well. Natasha returned with a beautiful music box with teddy bears dancing in the snow, and 2 hockey players (9 figurines in all - how perfect), all for $2 (for Mom). James told me what he thought about buying, and everyone had a nice walk. Sophia and I took the little boys to football, and Chris helps coach Jonathan's football. I fell asleep in the grass for a few minutes.

It's quiet now, so will go do a few things and enjoy that as well. It's a day in His hand, peaceful, but I am still tired. Still much to do before we close on the old house.

If you get a chance read Urban Servant's blog..and keep her in your prayers as they are moving. It will give you a "taste" of what some families go through (no pun intended). All I can say is I am grateful to hear her stories and can grow stronger as an adoptive parent and we can grow as a family.

Love Alesia & Chris

Dad

Just wanted you to know that Dad is having some hard, wiped out days. It would be a blessing if he can pull through from this chemo and have some more good days like he did in July. We have had so many good days with him since we found out last October, but it is never easy. Thanks for your prayers, I put his caring bridge site up on our blog if you can keep him in your prayers. Love Alesia & Chris

Some Good News, Anxiety, and the Run on Sentence...

Chris' Mom's surgery went well. We just had a nice Little House in the big woods family read. Boys had good football practice and didn't lie about cheating in practice. Little frogs are climbing up our windows, which is fun to look at. I was "anxious" today, couldn't really relax so will be heading to bed early after a bath. Kids are off to bed at 9:30pm. I read in one of the google articles of an adopted boy who needs only 4 hours of sleep. We are so fortunate that sleep is not one of the many issues that can challenge our family. A few like to get up early (5:30am and on), but they either lay there, get up and read or do some quiet chores. Did I say we are fortunate! I had hugs and kisses tonight from almost all our children, and am sure I'll get one here soon from the last when the Twin's game is over on the radio - we do not have cable. It was a good end to a busy day: hockey dryland, chamber music, the book of Ruth in the Bible (a great read!) and football for 3 boys. Katya helped make chicken for dinner, and handled the kids when I was driving to and from hockey 3x, and it was especially a treat today, as I just was on edge. I didn't blow or anything, but just felt anxious. That's always a good reminder to pray, but still had a hard time having it go.

Some days feel like a run on sentence....it starts with one child and works it's way through all the kids throughout the day with little to no pause, unless I ask for a quiet time which I do ever so often or we allow a film, then after the kids are off to bed, it's like the period to this long sentence. Sometimes it's hard to start up a dialogue again, after so much verbal, chitter chatter, and excitement. But as kids feel safer and practice love and kindness, they begin to interact more and more with each other, instead of me, and that helps as well.

When I was taking the kids to hockey, Andre talked non-stop until he was at hockey, then I had a 10 minute drive home, then a few talked to me at home, and then Jonathan talked non-stop on the way to hockey, and Andre talked non-stop on the way back..and then - you get the idea! Anyway, it's when I can calmly say, ok, Mom's ears need a break for a little while..without snapping, that I know that I'm growing as well.

Thank-you for your prayers for my Parents. And for us as a family. We look forward to hearing from you and spending time when you can. Love Alesia and Chris

Philippians 4:6, Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

Your Prayers, Our Picnic, & you guessed it, Attachment....

Dear Prayer warriors.....keep my parents in your prayers, that they can experience peace in the midst of suffering. Dad is worn out from his chemo a few days ago (for his esophageal cancer), and I just think prayers are the thing they need most right now.

Chris' Mom has carotid artery http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/002951.htm surgery tomorrow (Tue) and your prayers are so important to us. Thank-you.

Our European Children's Adoption Services picnic was everything I expected it to be...good, and bad.

 Face painting, balloons, and slushies. Chris and I did hang out and that was nice. Our children played well together, stood up for each other, and obeyed us. All in all it was a good day as a family.

I'm grateful for one ECAS social worker spending some time with us, and she knows us well, and she shared a story about one of her adopted children.  She told me a story about how after 6 years of adoption her child was overheard talking about how they wished they could have been adopted into another family. I couldn't believe it, but it was so good for me to hear. It made me realize that we can experience our children's desire for detachment at any time, no matter what we have done or gone through, and that not to take it personally (my favorite passtime). I asked if she flipped out, and she said no, she handled it very well, and educated the parent that has made her child feel so welcome. What a wonderful example to set for me as an adoptive parent. And she recommended a book for me to share with my Dad.

One of my daughters came to the picnic in the skimpiest suit she could find (her way of feeling loved and important). I had recently purchased a nice wholesome one for her, and she liked it and thanked me with her big hugs, and I would naturally think that she felt blessed and special, but really it just didn't show enough skin. We have had 20+ talks about this in the past, so we had another, and she swam with her shirt over her suit and said "ok Mom" in a really respectful tone. At least we made it that far....

Another daughter found a friend to talk to and was invited to their home, but we haven't had contact with them since last October, and I thought it best that we plan that for a different time. So many times things sound so fun right at the moment, but they are not what is best for our family. We had a nice talk today about it.

Lastly, a big fight did break out in the pool, of which many played a part in. But I think we all were not paying enough attention to our children in the pool. Some of my children said they were punched, hair pulled, and almost drowned. I remember when our children first came and they almost drowned others, as they didn't swim that often and didn't realize their strength when they would hang onto each other.

I appreciate all that ECAS has done for us, and the picnic was fun, and it was fun to see parents that had traveled to our same orphanage, but honestly, it is not my best event of the year.

Attachment: I am reading little things here and there. I really like the Trauma Headquarters (top 10 don'ts), and links to audio's that I can scroll to for attachment, teen age stuff, etc). I'll share little quotes as I get find them...

"Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, and hate leads to suffering.." Yoda from Star Wars.....Does that sum it up for adoptive families or what? I fear what they will do, they fear what we will do, they fear the unknown, we hate each other at one time or another (yes I feel it too sometimes, thank God not today). We can struggle...Trauma Headquarters goes on to say...relieve the fears so you can attach, and I tell myself that every time I want to crinkle up my face, or yell, or slam a door or anything to alleviate the pressure...."alleviate the fear".  As John Hays (Hayskids) puts it, "Calm down, and Delay Parenting", delayed parenting means that at the moment they can't receive it and you're too mad to give it, so wait until the situation is calmer and then make sure it is covered, there can be consequences, and it's done calmly.

Jonathan and Sophia walked to the library. I sat with Andre. I unpacked boxes with Natasha first and Katya second. We did our family Bible time, and James, Jaclyn, Andre and Natasha are playing Oregon Trail or My Little Pony on the computer. We spent time together today. I need to pull James and Jaclyn aside some days to spend time with them. Attachment  is work, but I hope it will lead to a secure, peaceful family.  But there may be days 6 years from now that someone wishes they were adopted into a different family, and may God give me the grace to handle that with His love.

Alesia and Chris

Helpers, Wood, 2 Dogs, and a Date?

We are so grateful for helpers...yesterday we had a friend from our neighborhood help Chris move the heavy stuff out of our garage. He had to work early today and we had a taco dinner planned as well, so we over stepped our bounds with his generosity to help and we just really appreciate his servant heart towards us. In the past he has helped us build a swingset, try to watch our dog, move heavy furniture for our move, and loan us their fan many times. His wife helped us clean for our sale, has watched our children numerous times and is a great reprieve for me to talk to. Today we had 2 more helpers, one was from Chris' work and another a long time friend of Chris' from childhood. We've had many more over the past few months - THANK-YOU!!!

We had 3 guys, 10 kids, and 2 dogs around most of the day today, loading wood, loading stuff, stacking wood, and working hard in the heat and humidity. We did so much today that Chris decided to return the trailer early, and we had a date on our way! A gas stop at Fleet Farm and a couple cokes to go, and time spent together. OH, yesterday, Chris showed me my "dream list" for our home, and our new home hit every dream except 1! That was a fun thing to read, probably written 5+ years ago, God is so good and faithful to us.

2 Dogs???? We had a friend in need of a dog sitter, and with all that we have had to do, you'd think it a burden, but it was all but! It has been a comic relief really! Thanks to Katya for watching Amber and Chance all day, as we came and went, I think she kind of enjoyed it as well. Little Amber chased Chance all around all day, chewing him out for stealing her stick or ball, and they are so tuckered out, a reminder to keep our children active as well. We laughed and smiled during our stacking, unloading, eating lunch, and raking outside.

Attachment: Tomorrow we have our annual picnic put on by our Adoption agency, European Children's Adoption Services. Our children love this picnic and are really excited. I am excited for most of them, however, there is one that I worry about. She has a track record of finding someone to complain about, and she needs to talk, and can still talk in Russian, and some days are good for her here and other times are not. She has re-assured me that she is not going to keep doing this, but my trust is still low. I hope the attachment stuff doesn't get me too down. Mostly, it's fun to see the kids get their faces painted, eat snow cones, popcorn and other fun things, and play a ton of games, and swim if they want to. It's really a great time to connect with others doing the same thing we are.

Please keep my parents in your prayers as they go through down days and battling cancer is hard. Chris' Mom has carotid artery surgery next week.  Thanks for all your sustaining prayers for us. I am so grateful for some websites I have found (and put on the blog), and am finding, support, ideas, encouragement, etc.!

Ps 23, the Lord is our Shepherd, I shall not want...our cup runneth over...lovingly, Alesia & Chris

Grieving, Baseball & Attachment...

Grieving today the sale and loss of our old home despite being grateful it sold so quickly and the blessing of our new home. I remember our little ones playing in the back yard and cry when I look at the sandbox. Not sure if this means I should get more sleep, or just sit and cry and treasure those precious memories...

We played baseball today, 5 innings, the most ever. Most of us held it together, but 2 biological's lost their self control almost entirely. I stayed calm but for fun modeled for them their crazy behavior! They all blew me kisses good night and we're moving on. Sophia hit 3 home runs, one of which was a grand slam, Katya hit and got home, and Natasha made it on and home as well. Andre hit some nice ones, really! Jonathan is athletically great, but I said I won't play with him again until Chris is there. He even admits he'd make a poor manager! James bunted and made it to 3rd a couple times I struck out 3x! I still can't believe it. I think I'd been bragging too much about my good streak in the 50mph batting cage!

Attachment topic of the day...1) John Hays has a great support e-mail he is sending out..we read it together! And 2) We had a discussion about a very yucky sick newspaper article. The jest of it was that the man did something really bad to a woman, and "it was all his fault"...we had a really good discussion about how to not put ourselves in those situations, and what attachment disorders play out in situations like this, and how even though he was wrong and should be in jail, if the woman had a healthy set of boundaries and friends she never would have had to worry, let alone experience the abuse. It was a good discussion!

We are growing, and every day I grieve something...usually it's time not spent with one of my children, or husband, or something like that, and I am praying for patience for attaching. I love the Trauma Headquarters(TH)..it's really helping me.  One of our girls hugs me now about 50-100 times a day, and I wonder who took all those hugs last year when she was in school. I hope she can rest in our family and not need that many hugs someday, but for now, most often it's ok, but some times I ask her to try to not need attention right at this moment and find something calm to do like read a book, or a craft. Sometimes they hang on me, or block the door to the bathroom and if I'm rested or calm, I can handle it, but honestly, sometimes I want to scream and hold it back. TH is teaching me that when I freak out, it causes fear and that causes more issues, and then the cycle starts all over again, so trying to break the cycle and help our kids feel safe. We're doing a lot of talking about it these days and that helps a lot!

Mostly it was a peaceful, kind, loving day today.

We appreciate your prayers so much..and Dad had chemo today so thanks for those prayers too!
Alesia & Chris

Lamentations...........and His Faithfulness

Quoted from the Family Life Marriage Bible, NKJV, "...this book is written near the end of his (Jeremiah's) life, as he sees the terrible fulfillment of all the ominous warnings he so faithfully delivered to his spiritually wandering people.  Even though God's hard hearted people ignored Jeremiah's message, the prophet still weeps at the fall of the holy city and at the suffering of God's chosen nation."

Just wanted to know the background and one of my favorite verses just mirrors today: Lam 3: 19-on into the rest of the chapter....

Remember my affliction and roaming...my soul still remembers and sinks within me...this I recall to my mind, therefore I have hope. Through the Lord's mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not, THEY ARE NEW EVERY MORNING; Great is Your faithfulness, the Lord is my portion...says my soul, therefore I hope in Him! The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, To the soul who seeks Him, It is good that one should hope and wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord....etc.

Today was a NEW day! Thanks for your prayers....we had a good family discussion today about our Bible reading (Delilah & Samson..and Judas Iscariot), we played Apples to Apples, and the kids sang karoke praise songs for a long time. Katya biked with Natasha to the Library, and the kids went later to the library with Dad and walked home. There was string chamber today in our home, and chess, and laundry, and bathroom floor washing. I walked with one daughter and she broke down and we hugged, and I walked with another explained the difference between wishing evil on someone and just explaining wrong doing. We painted nails and my hair got braided and combed a few times. Andre made mint tea, and Jaclyn baked cookies, Jonathan had hockey. We had a nummy steak & chx supper! We said things directly and yet we handled it. It was a NEW day and I am grateful to your prayers. I feel more strength today to be the mom I need to be, even though I faced similar challenges today.

My husband fixed my computer, and the car, and let me go out with a couple friends who home school as well. The kids played with some neighborhood friends outside today for awhile and the boys especially had fun with football, baseball and biking. It was a full day, but some how it was a NEW day, and I have strength to face tomorrow.

THANKS for your prayers! In Him, Alesia & Chris

Attachment and Faithfulness....

A couple weeks ago we had a sermon at church about faithfulness. How it's hard to be faithful these days with facebook, e-mail, cell phones, etc. We can be friendly, but the latest and greatest can pass us up and move right in whenever we want it to.

I am experiencing this with adoption, and honestly it is really hard for me. I have experienced it off and on for a couple years, but am much more aware of it now. We are also experiencing it with family who have pulled away from us over the last couple of years. We feel lonely off and on.

I have recently experienced faithfulness at the same time. Saturday we were taking down things from our attic and I ran across some dishes that will be useful at home for us. And we found my Bible from when I was a baby, and some books from my childhood, and an old tray that Chris and I used to make bricks with. But more than anything, I found Chris and I just crying and hugging in front of our son James about all the faithful little things that we have in our life. And I see it in my parents as my Dad battles cancer. I guess when we can stay lovingly faithful to someone over the long haul, that's one great form of success.

Today one of my girls said to me "girls are best"...and I said don't say that, you might have a husband or a son some day and that is just not right...we are all needed and God loves us the same. Another child in our household is going through an attachment phase that she just left our home for our neighbors without telling us, or just bonds to other "mother" figures out there as they pop up, at the same time she is sassy or disrespectful to me. It's heartbreaking to see kids pour out their love to someone they don't even know, yet, not even see what has been given to them from us as their parents. Another child seems to just hug anyone she has met in the last 15 minutes and can "bounce" form person to person. At least some of those hugs include me so I know she's trying to attach to me. Another of our children looks for people to complain too, and is just not content here. But I wonder when or where she would ever find contentment, and does she understand it will be mostly a choice and a walk with Jesus and contentment with Him?

Chris is so encouraging, he says it will just take time and we've come a long way and to keep on going.

There is healthy attachment going on as well with each of the brothers and sisters, but there is also manipulative strange attachment, "he can sit next to me, but don't you touch me" etc. kind of stuff. This adoptive brother is ok, but this biological one isn't. And when it's between 7 siblings, there is always some thing kind of like that going on between brothers and sisters. How to get the biological siblings to be content with each other is more of a challenge now than it was a year ago.

It's so much better than it was a year ago, but it's also like how long can it stay this way with a few weak links of contentment modeling for others? I feel hurt or disillusioned most days and wonder what's in store around the corner as far as my heart goes. I think I attached too quickly, for what I should have been expecting. But I'm afraid I will detach which is not the direction to go.

We're hoping to order a good book, and I hope to attend a support group. I appreciate your prayers. There is nothing major going on, just underlying strains that make parenting for me hard. I have lost trust from this strange attachment phenomena. I have felt betrayed and I guess now it's time for the real work of parenting to start and I'm not sure some days if I'm up for it, but here I go. It helps to talk about it.

We're back on the hockey trail, and hope to get a few studies done with the kids this week. We did have some friends stop by on Sat and hang out and help with a few things and that was refreshing. We're beating the heat at the rinks, and in the air conditioning. We'll be finalizing our garage moving this weekend.  Praise God we close on the sale of that home Aug 18th.

Just needed to share what's going on, and that we treasure your prayers and understanding. We look forward to hearing from you or having you over some time. God Bless the rest of your summer!
Alesia & Chris